Being a mom is the most important job we as women can ever have. Now that’s not to say we cannot do other incredible things with our lives or carry out our dreams after we have children. But what I am saying is that the task of being a mother is hard and holy work. It is raising up the next generation and shaping the future of countless people. How we interact with and raise our babies dictates how they grow up, the adults they will become. In turn they have a part to play in the lives of others. Their friends, spouses’ children, in-laws, will all be affected by them. So, don’t we need to do a good job? Don’t we need to find everything we can that will teach us how to be a “better mom”?
Better is such a relative term. Better than what? Is it better than your neighbor so-and-so? Better than your own mom? Better than the story of a neglectful mother that was in the news? Instead of comparing ourselves with other moms who are going through different walks of life, what if we focus on being better versions of ourselves. The one who best meets the needs of your children with love and attentiveness.
A mother is fierce protector, a gentle disciplinarian, a loving comforter. They are selfless, laying down their own needs and putting the needs of their children and families first and foremost. They live their lives to serve and love. Kissing scraped knees and filling the home with smells of food and taking the time to guide and educate. There must be a way we can take on all these responsibilities without losing ourselves and getting weighed down by the busyness of it all.
Grab my free weekly planner to help you stay organized. Get it here!
The Simple Mom Changes
It is hard to find the balance in sacrificing yourself and your time while still making the effort to do things for yourself and do things that bring you joy. Let’s talk about four things that can be a simple guideline to follow for when we are wondering how to be a better mom.
1. Start off your morning the right way
Now this is going to look different for everyone and personally, it changes for me day to day. However, starting your day with even just five minutes of quiet can have a huge impact on your outlook. Your quiet time might just look like reading for a few minutes from the comfort of your own bed. You might be able to get up and do a workout, make a cup of coffee, plan out your day, or even just get dressed and put on make up with two hands.
Whatever you do know that there might be (mostly likely will be) an interruption. I am not sure how but kids seem to have a sixth sense about when we are up. If you can go into it telling yourself, you will only get five minutes anything more than that is like an exciting bonus. This way you are setting yourself up for success, so you aren’t disappointed or frustrated when you see their little face peek around the corner because you didn’t get as much time as you wanted.
For me if I can wake up just a few minutes early it gives me a fresh happy outlook on the day. We co-sleep so sneaking out of bed without waking my son or husband can be tricky. Often times I will just enjoy a few minutes to think and pray and quickly review my days to-do list. Sometimes I can slip away and start coffee or tea and turn on some worship music and spend one-on-one time with the Lord. It doesn’t happen as often as I would like and I am trying to get better about it because there is nothing like starting your day in the Word.
Just so you know, I’m not always the first to wake up. I stay in bed, I hit snooze. I am not one of those people who jumps out of bed with a smile at the first chirp of my alarm clock. Honestly, I wish I was like that but I’m just not. After a late night or a long week the alarm going off can be on of the most infuriating sounds I could possibly hear. I know my days will start off better if I get even a few minutes but it isn’t a daily habit I have formed yet.
2. When you get frustrated, take a deep breath
I’m not talking about a quick angry breath. I am talking about a slow breath where you slowly fill your lungs as full as possible and gently release that air out your mouth. This is for two reasons.
You can actually trigger your nervous system to calm down with your breath. Taking a slow breath from deep in your stomach sends that signal to your brain and helps you relax more easily. Allow both your lungs and stomach to expand while you take this slow deep breath. When you release it don’t let it out in a huff but instead control it and calmly blow it out your mouth.
The other goal is during this five to ten second breath, you can remind yourself of the mother you want to be. You want to be calm, gentle, loving, and supportive. You know you don’t want to raise your voice at your child or let them see you fight with your spouse. This breath doesn’t just allow time to think about what you want to be, but it also catches whatever was on the tip of your tongue. That snide remark that you wanted to make because your husband forgot to take out the trash. The angry voice you wanted to use with your toddler when you found the art they made on the wall with permanent marker. The “you are grounded young lady” you want to shout as your teenager slams the bedroom door.
This is a very quick and simple way to help you start to self-regulate. If our children see us losing our temper or getting frustrated or upset over every little thing then they will often start to copy that and do the same. We get overwhelmed when they express their “big feelings” over what seems like the littlest thing which in turn causes us frustration and the cycle continues. Even just this simple act of slowing inhaling and exhaling might be all it takes to stop this cycle.
3. Put the phone down
The average American spends a staggering 5.4 hours every day on their phone. If this happens every day for 18 years that is 35,478 hours, or 1,478 days. That’s just over four years. Four years that the average American spends glued to a screen instead of spending time interacting with their children. If your child is only home for 18 years before they moveout you have lost almost a quarter of that time with them.
As a society we are becoming more worried about what people on social media think of us, what we can buy to satisfy our need for instant gratification, what place we can go to escape the life we live. We need to slow down, connect with those around us, take time to cultivate the relationships we have. We need to fall in love with the life we get to live instead of always chasing the next best thing.
This isn’t an easy thing to hear, and it can also be a very difficult habit to break. It might take putting your phone in a drawer or on silent for a while so that all too familiar buzz can’t suck you back in. It might be setting password protected time limits and giving your spouse the password so you only allow yourself so much time each day on certain apps.
Set a goal of where you want your screen time to be. Then take a small step to start making progress towards that goal. If you don’t want to spend more than two hours a day, then say you are going to start by tucking it in a drawer and not pulling it out at all until lunch time. Or that you will set a timer for two hours and until it goes off you can’t use it. Do what you have to do to unplug from the online world so you can connect with your kids. You can try making a lock screen that has your goals written out for how to be a better mom. That way every time you pick up your phone you are reminded.
For those of us who work from home by working on the phone, this can be especially hard. It might take setting a boundary that you will only work while the kids are asleep. It might mean you need to get up earlier or go to bed later. You might need to use nap time to get your tasks done instead of vegging out in front Netflix. It might be as simple as taking pictures throughout the day and update stories only at night. Again, its setting boundaries and taking little steps toward your goal.
The changes won’t come easy, but it is so worth it. Allow yourself to just watch them explore and play. To read to them without interruption. To enjoy being in the company of your children and not feel the need to escape your reality. It might take time but as you break the habit of checking Instagram as you walk up the stairs, it will become easier to replace that action with just enjoying the little moments around you. Check out my blog post about how to detox screens here.
4. Make time for mom
This is so important. I have heard women say that after they become moms they feel more like a shell, a husk of who they used to be. Instead of finding joy with the things they once enjoyed they are now a machine that cooks, cleans, and wipes boogers and poopy butts. This is not what motherhood has to be ladies. There is a way to balance caring for home and family and also seeking after and pursuing the things that you love. There is also a way to romanticize the mundane but that is a whole other discussion.
This will look different for each of you depending on responsibilities, the help you have, and the hobbies you enjoy. It is not just enough to say you just don’t have the time for yourself. Showering alone and going to the bathroom uninterrupted might feel like a luxury so how can you possibly do anything you enjoy without being bothered?
If you want to take a bubble bath or spend an hour painting it might mean waiting until the kids go to bed and handing your spouse the baby monitor and just turning on music and relaxing. If you miss going out with your friends and chatting over a cup of coffee, then either bring your kids and let them play at the park or ask the grandparents for a few hours of time. There might even be things that you can include the kids in on. If you like to paint, then get your kids some cheap water-colors (or even better some magic paint books) and you can all create some art together.
They don’t have to be big things that happen for hours every day, but it is important that you are doing things to recharge and rest. You cannot pour from an empty cup and if you have poured everything into your spouse and children you will very quickly burn out. Whether it is something small every few days or a big thing once or twice a month make sure you are carving time out of your schedule for yourself.
For me it was baking bread. I was able to throw myself into learning the art of baking sourdough and all the things you can do with a starter. I was able to be creative and able to put my degree in pasty arts to use. Not only did I find peace in the rhythm of the mixing and folding but also in the slow drawn-out process. I was able to enjoy the labor of my hands and even do it with a baby on my hip. It was something that allowed me to recharge while also not requiring me to step away from my family at all.
If you are someone who likes gifts and recharges through receiving things, then send this list to your friends and family. Then they have a bunch of ideas right at their fingertips.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day it is important to remember that each day will come with its own battles. You will win some and lose some but you do get to start fresh each day.
There will be days when you wake up early and make tea and read for an hour before the kids wake up. You speak calmly and gently the whole day. You only pick up your phone for fifteen minutes to check your email while the kids nap and to play music while cooking dinner. Then you get the kids to bed and take a long relaxing detox bath and cuddle up with your husband to watch your favorite show.
Other days you will wake up to a crying baby, you will lose your temper more times than you would like to admit. You cope with help from Instagram and Netflix and try to ignore the chaos of the day while mindlessly scrolling. You are plumb tuckered out by the end of the day and crawl into bed angry, tired, and feeling defeated.
Guess what? In both of those days you were still a good mom. It’s ok if you don’t always get it right. You are human. If you have read this far then its proof you are trying. You are desperately trying to find ways to better yourself and to grow so you can be a better mom to your precious littles.
When you do lose your cool, apologize. When you realize you have watched an hour worth of reels and ignored the kids, put down the phone and make up for it by being intentional. You cannot go back and fix the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and shape the future.
You’ve got this mama. Take one little step at a time. Watch as those little steps become habits that slowly shape you into that “better mom”. The mother that you want to be.
Leave a Reply